I wish I was Abraham Lincoln
That way I would always know what to say
No more mistakes of being overly understanding
Nor problems with pushing my friendships away
My mother is angry that I wasn't mean enough
My sister is gradually falling apart
Nobody seems to be happy with me
Including me.
I wish I was Abraham Lincoln
So that I was strong enough to see the end
Even through all the criticism and compromise
And I could make history
Nothing seems fair to me anymore
She says that I'm perfect, yet I make mistakes too
I can't seem to appease anyone within five feet of me
What is there left to wish for?
4.12.09
14.11.09
12.11.09
29.9.09
Jon and Kate Plus Eight
All these ugly murmurs resonate around the town.
He said she said I said that they said they're going down.
Hollow, greedy pacifists widely grin from ear-to-ear.
Without the stain of rose-colored glasses, the loneliness is sheer.
Does anyone care to take a sit
and discuss when it all started going to shit?
No reason to fear - the end's already passed
and there's no purpose in searching for when.
No, no purpose in searching for when.
He said she said I said that they said they're going down.
Hollow, greedy pacifists widely grin from ear-to-ear.
Without the stain of rose-colored glasses, the loneliness is sheer.
Does anyone care to take a sit
and discuss when it all started going to shit?
No reason to fear - the end's already passed
and there's no purpose in searching for when.
No, no purpose in searching for when.
17.9.09
When I Knew You
Hey, you.
I feel like it's been so long since I last saw you,
last talked to you.
How have you been?
How have you been doing?
Who do you belong to, these days?
Hello, you.
It seems like so many eons ago that I touched you,
truly felt you.
How are you now?
Are your tears still soft?
Do you still shiver when you're lonely
and go silent in the cold?
Greetings, you.
It would take me hours to count the hours that have transpired
since I last saw you,
truly knew you,
knew you for what you are.
I can tell you're still the same.
How are you faring in your lies?
It doesn't bother me that much that you're living in disguise.
What's the point of your deception?
Equal to the point of my
questioning, I suppose.
I feel like it's been so long since I last saw you,
last talked to you.
How have you been?
How have you been doing?
Who do you belong to, these days?
Hello, you.
It seems like so many eons ago that I touched you,
truly felt you.
How are you now?
Are your tears still soft?
Do you still shiver when you're lonely
and go silent in the cold?
Greetings, you.
It would take me hours to count the hours that have transpired
since I last saw you,
truly knew you,
knew you for what you are.
I can tell you're still the same.
How are you faring in your lies?
It doesn't bother me that much that you're living in disguise.
What's the point of your deception?
Equal to the point of my
questioning, I suppose.
10.9.09
Leaving Park
Invitation's always open
To a personal modern-day paradise
None of that fantastical fountain of youth-ing
No sugar, or spice, or everything nice
Let's go to Leaving Park today
Never a frightful repercussion
We'll swing on the swings of mediocrity
Go on the round-a-bout of social destruction
Skies that are always overcast
Dead leaves whisper in always-autumn air
Many visit and seldom leave
Yet there aren't many people there
Let's go to Leaving Park today
Such a pleasant place to be
We'll sit on the bench and eat old ice cream
Watching sick birds fall from dead trees
Consistently smells like fresh storm clouds
Some magically tragic place of lore
Where not even the murderous crows will flock
Who could dream to ask for more?
To a personal modern-day paradise
None of that fantastical fountain of youth-ing
No sugar, or spice, or everything nice
Let's go to Leaving Park today
Never a frightful repercussion
We'll swing on the swings of mediocrity
Go on the round-a-bout of social destruction
Skies that are always overcast
Dead leaves whisper in always-autumn air
Many visit and seldom leave
Yet there aren't many people there
Let's go to Leaving Park today
Such a pleasant place to be
We'll sit on the bench and eat old ice cream
Watching sick birds fall from dead trees
Consistently smells like fresh storm clouds
Some magically tragic place of lore
Where not even the murderous crows will flock
Who could dream to ask for more?
2.9.09
Magnetic Claws
I wish I had magnetic claws
Like a little metal crab
I'd cling to passing metal things
It would be so exciting
I'd be like a dandelion seed
Always traveling, always moving
Except I wouldn't be a weed
Plus, I'd never find a place to grow
So who would have the time to know
Me? But that would be okay, I think
If I had the lifespan of a crab
But if I spent humanity
In the life of a nomad, it would quickly
Grow old, and I would have to commit
Crustacean suicide.
So really I wish I had a dream
Where I was a little metallic crab
With magnet claws, and tie-dye body
And, well, I can dream if I want to,
Can't I?
Like a little metal crab
I'd cling to passing metal things
It would be so exciting
I'd be like a dandelion seed
Always traveling, always moving
Except I wouldn't be a weed
Plus, I'd never find a place to grow
So who would have the time to know
Me? But that would be okay, I think
If I had the lifespan of a crab
But if I spent humanity
In the life of a nomad, it would quickly
Grow old, and I would have to commit
Crustacean suicide.
So really I wish I had a dream
Where I was a little metallic crab
With magnet claws, and tie-dye body
And, well, I can dream if I want to,
Can't I?
25.8.09
6.7.09
My Stomach is Swirls
I have been asked for a day to relax
A day of reclusive pondering, really
And now I remember why I never do
And it's sort of dragging me down.
Any time I have been left to myself
I spin stories of slanderous lies in my head
And I spend my hours watching TV
Feeling like a ghost in the passing hours.
A day of reclusive pondering, really
And now I remember why I never do
And it's sort of dragging me down.
Any time I have been left to myself
I spin stories of slanderous lies in my head
And I spend my hours watching TV
Feeling like a ghost in the passing hours.
6.5.09
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Next time I take a picture of myself
I want it to be on a Polaroid
So I can shake it and blow on it
And watch in glee as my face
Slowly ghosts into being, like an apparition
On a foggy day, when it isn’t that big of a deal
If you can’t see me, or if I’m hiding a frown
But it isn’t so bad, not so bad.
Next time I take a picture of myself
I want it to be of a memory
So I can remember and absorb
The glory of that moment
Like something sweet and fantastic
A dream of all nightmares
And it’ll be amazing over again,
Like I always hoped it would be.
I want it to be on a Polaroid
So I can shake it and blow on it
And watch in glee as my face
Slowly ghosts into being, like an apparition
On a foggy day, when it isn’t that big of a deal
If you can’t see me, or if I’m hiding a frown
But it isn’t so bad, not so bad.
Next time I take a picture of myself
I want it to be of a memory
So I can remember and absorb
The glory of that moment
Like something sweet and fantastic
A dream of all nightmares
And it’ll be amazing over again,
Like I always hoped it would be.
30.4.09
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Man, my memory is really awful
Like
When I lost my keys that day
Or
When I though it was yesterday
And
How I forgot to write for a week
Man, my memory is really awful
Like
When I forgot to check my texts
Or
When I forgot that test was tomorrow
And
How I forgot to remember to care
Like
When I lost my keys that day
Or
When I though it was yesterday
And
How I forgot to write for a week
Man, my memory is really awful
Like
When I forgot to check my texts
Or
When I forgot that test was tomorrow
And
How I forgot to remember to care
21.4.09
Monday, April 20, 2009
Not exactly about how
‘sense’ is spelled ‘since’
but more about how
you left your red Mountain Dew
in my car today, and I
almost put it in your mailbox
but I was afraid of the cat that might
think I’m its best friend again
giving me a
guilt trip.
Not quite like how you
ask me weird questions
that I can barely answer, but
more like memories we shared,
enjoying each other like
every day was just another day
when in reality it was a dream,
but I was too afraid to open my eyes
because I knew it would
stop.
Maybe sort of like how
your friends are dramatic,
leading each other down the wrong paths
while we watch, I amazed,
but closer to how I
seem to hang on your every text
because I love it when you talk to me
and yet it all seems to be
inconsistent, unusual, unfair, and unavoidable
at the same time, but irreparable
and spectacular.
Not only about that
one time you dressed up like a hooker,
but that time that we talked for an hour
neither of us wanting to hang up,
and then you texted me your secret
that I wasn’t allowed
to tell, and we still
haven’t told, between smiles and
sex’ms, and occasionally
a discussion on
pre menstrual tennis balls.
Not precisely, but similar to
when you rearrange your room
and I try to help but instead I
epic fail,
yet maybe closer to how
you can control how I feel about
myself just by saying
one comment, one thing,
and completely swaying my
confidence.
Like that one time
that you came to my house
crying, crying like I had never seen
anyone cry before,
unable to let things go
because of the pain,
because of her stabbing slowly into you,
and all I could do to help
was hold you,
but that’s all I really needed
to do.
‘sense’ is spelled ‘since’
but more about how
you left your red Mountain Dew
in my car today, and I
almost put it in your mailbox
but I was afraid of the cat that might
think I’m its best friend again
giving me a
guilt trip.
Not quite like how you
ask me weird questions
that I can barely answer, but
more like memories we shared,
enjoying each other like
every day was just another day
when in reality it was a dream,
but I was too afraid to open my eyes
because I knew it would
stop.
Maybe sort of like how
your friends are dramatic,
leading each other down the wrong paths
while we watch, I amazed,
but closer to how I
seem to hang on your every text
because I love it when you talk to me
and yet it all seems to be
inconsistent, unusual, unfair, and unavoidable
at the same time, but irreparable
and spectacular.
Not only about that
one time you dressed up like a hooker,
but that time that we talked for an hour
neither of us wanting to hang up,
and then you texted me your secret
that I wasn’t allowed
to tell, and we still
haven’t told, between smiles and
sex’ms, and occasionally
a discussion on
pre menstrual tennis balls.
Not precisely, but similar to
when you rearrange your room
and I try to help but instead I
epic fail,
yet maybe closer to how
you can control how I feel about
myself just by saying
one comment, one thing,
and completely swaying my
confidence.
Like that one time
that you came to my house
crying, crying like I had never seen
anyone cry before,
unable to let things go
because of the pain,
because of her stabbing slowly into you,
and all I could do to help
was hold you,
but that’s all I really needed
to do.
13.4.09
Thursday, April 9, 2009
I spent four hours at the airport waiting for someone who I could never greet.
I knew that they wouldn’t – they wore the same face, but they had a new crowd to run with.
I watched them for a while, recalling smiles, memorizing happiness and jokes.
I didn’t think it was fair, to be sitting there, but I guess it doesn’t matter in the end.
I spent thirty minutes on the highway trying not to hit the medians.
As each overpass came, I observed my lane, afraid for the future of me.
It wasn’t hard to drive; the lights were fine, and I could see quite well.
I just felt like I was slowly convincing myself to end, bloodily and quickly, like that.
I spent twenty minutes in my bed controlling my breathing and sound.
With a house so involved and so small and so loving, it was hard to get alone.
When the dark finally came it held no solace, like I had hoped for so long that it would.
Finally, I slept, tired, defeated, and lonely as hell in my room.
I spent five seconds in third hour, begging myself to not cry.
It was harder than thought, and my voice cracked a little, but I thought I did pretty well.
It was mostly when I realized that no one really supported this decision I’d made.
I know it’s my fault, and that I’m the problem, but very quickly I felt like an outcast.
It took just a second in my car for me to ruin my day.
I just can’t process the pain in my body that steals my happy away.
You told me what I already knew, and you blamed me for craving the end.
I didn’t say anything – what could I say? – as I crumpled into my mistake.
I knew that they wouldn’t – they wore the same face, but they had a new crowd to run with.
I watched them for a while, recalling smiles, memorizing happiness and jokes.
I didn’t think it was fair, to be sitting there, but I guess it doesn’t matter in the end.
I spent thirty minutes on the highway trying not to hit the medians.
As each overpass came, I observed my lane, afraid for the future of me.
It wasn’t hard to drive; the lights were fine, and I could see quite well.
I just felt like I was slowly convincing myself to end, bloodily and quickly, like that.
I spent twenty minutes in my bed controlling my breathing and sound.
With a house so involved and so small and so loving, it was hard to get alone.
When the dark finally came it held no solace, like I had hoped for so long that it would.
Finally, I slept, tired, defeated, and lonely as hell in my room.
I spent five seconds in third hour, begging myself to not cry.
It was harder than thought, and my voice cracked a little, but I thought I did pretty well.
It was mostly when I realized that no one really supported this decision I’d made.
I know it’s my fault, and that I’m the problem, but very quickly I felt like an outcast.
It took just a second in my car for me to ruin my day.
I just can’t process the pain in my body that steals my happy away.
You told me what I already knew, and you blamed me for craving the end.
I didn’t say anything – what could I say? – as I crumpled into my mistake.
9.4.09
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Agreeable and kind, always on time
Never prone to excessive frowning
Every reason to like, with a few ‘sad days’
Why not? Friends are a gift
Fluorescent shirts, eloquent speech
Another reason to smile in the morning
Charming and amusing, adorably inquiring
Eccentric, and a singer to boot
Fatigue means nothing – talk for hours
Lanky and laughing and other ‘l’ things
Always a reason to grin; at least smile
Taken from me, but never too far
Tenacious and bold, the person to lean on
Every attention focused, without distraction
Rapturous, but I doubt very serious
Yet I love the attention, and to give it, too
Morosely beautiful, four laughs in a row
Youthful but wise, no gullibility
Barely able to contain a grin
Everlasting and valuable, curious and smiling
Sustaining when sad, uplifting when tired
There’s never a reason not to enjoy
Intensely supreme, always witty
Enough could never be enough - fun
Never prone to excessive frowning
Every reason to like, with a few ‘sad days’
Why not? Friends are a gift
Fluorescent shirts, eloquent speech
Another reason to smile in the morning
Charming and amusing, adorably inquiring
Eccentric, and a singer to boot
Fatigue means nothing – talk for hours
Lanky and laughing and other ‘l’ things
Always a reason to grin; at least smile
Taken from me, but never too far
Tenacious and bold, the person to lean on
Every attention focused, without distraction
Rapturous, but I doubt very serious
Yet I love the attention, and to give it, too
Morosely beautiful, four laughs in a row
Youthful but wise, no gullibility
Barely able to contain a grin
Everlasting and valuable, curious and smiling
Sustaining when sad, uplifting when tired
There’s never a reason not to enjoy
Intensely supreme, always witty
Enough could never be enough - fun
6.4.09
Saturday, April 4, 2009
I think they’re out to kill me
Four times – in a row.
It isn’t necessarily fair to blame them
And I’ll be gone before they know.
I think she wants to punish me
Vengeance isn’t my game
I lie awake for hours
But it never will be the same
I think he’s trying to avoid me
My whining and my sighs
It’s always fun, hanging out
But, lately, it’s hard to meet his eyes
I think he’s very annoyed by me
I probably would be, too
But what would we really make of it
If a stranger was whispering to you?
I think she thinks I’m angry
Hateful, mean, whatever else is said
It’s not really that I hate her
Just can’t control what’s in my head
I think she thinks I’m degenerative
And I think it makes her sad
But I don’t want to look at my worst nightmare
I don’t think that I’ve been bad
I think he knows I’m whispering
He probably thinks I’m longing
Truly I just don’t understand
How quickly she started belonging
Four times – in a row.
It isn’t necessarily fair to blame them
And I’ll be gone before they know.
I think she wants to punish me
Vengeance isn’t my game
I lie awake for hours
But it never will be the same
I think he’s trying to avoid me
My whining and my sighs
It’s always fun, hanging out
But, lately, it’s hard to meet his eyes
I think he’s very annoyed by me
I probably would be, too
But what would we really make of it
If a stranger was whispering to you?
I think she thinks I’m angry
Hateful, mean, whatever else is said
It’s not really that I hate her
Just can’t control what’s in my head
I think she thinks I’m degenerative
And I think it makes her sad
But I don’t want to look at my worst nightmare
I don’t think that I’ve been bad
I think he knows I’m whispering
He probably thinks I’m longing
Truly I just don’t understand
How quickly she started belonging
3.4.09
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Shivering all the time
Directly to my core
Consistently cold within
In a state of freezing
Shuddering constantly
Never realizing the source
Goosebumps lining my skin
Embracing every warmth
Not being metaphorical
Just being rather chilled
Feels like I’m always trembling
Can’t wait to be warm
Directly to my core
Consistently cold within
In a state of freezing
Shuddering constantly
Never realizing the source
Goosebumps lining my skin
Embracing every warmth
Not being metaphorical
Just being rather chilled
Feels like I’m always trembling
Can’t wait to be warm
1.4.09
Monday, March 30, 2009
I kept putting the wrong date on my papers
I guess I forgot what day it was, today
Ever since yesterday, I feel like I’m dreaming
The door isn’t really ripped off its hinges
My mother isn’t really crying, really afraid
My step-dad isn’t really crazy, tearing our
House apart, which isn’t actually torn apart
If the door was where it was, now it would
Seem like it had never really happened
Except for the melted, rubbery tire marks
On our driveway, from where he was angry
And the undercooked chicken he couldn’t finish
Because he was too busy swearing in front
Of my sisters, dropping f-bombs and goddamns
And shits and asses and regrets
And I really wish it hadn’t happened, and
That all those tears weren’t shed, and
That all that emotion wasn’t spent in this home
To tear us apart, bit by bit, so that we
No longer felt like we were at home
And we couldn’t go home because a
Half-abusive stranger was inside
Like refugees, we had to flee
Into a room, a house, a mindset
A fantasy where it was a life to be envied
Instead of a family to pity and empathize
Ever since yesterday, I feel like I’m dreaming
I guess I forgot what day it was, today
I kept putting the wrong date on my papers
When it’s really the day after the first tragedy
Of the end.
I guess I forgot what day it was, today
Ever since yesterday, I feel like I’m dreaming
The door isn’t really ripped off its hinges
My mother isn’t really crying, really afraid
My step-dad isn’t really crazy, tearing our
House apart, which isn’t actually torn apart
If the door was where it was, now it would
Seem like it had never really happened
Except for the melted, rubbery tire marks
On our driveway, from where he was angry
And the undercooked chicken he couldn’t finish
Because he was too busy swearing in front
Of my sisters, dropping f-bombs and goddamns
And shits and asses and regrets
And I really wish it hadn’t happened, and
That all those tears weren’t shed, and
That all that emotion wasn’t spent in this home
To tear us apart, bit by bit, so that we
No longer felt like we were at home
And we couldn’t go home because a
Half-abusive stranger was inside
Like refugees, we had to flee
Into a room, a house, a mindset
A fantasy where it was a life to be envied
Instead of a family to pity and empathize
Ever since yesterday, I feel like I’m dreaming
I guess I forgot what day it was, today
I kept putting the wrong date on my papers
When it’s really the day after the first tragedy
Of the end.
30.3.09
I Told You I Would Do It
Emily
Please pick up your phone
Emily
I want to give you a message
Emily
I want to say hello
Emily
I want to hear your voice
Emily
I know you're just ignoring it
Emily
I see you, on the sidewalk
Emily
Three-quarters through a conversation
Emily
I watched you, in your house
Emily
I hear you, in your head
Emily
I can see you, from my perch
Emily
You're not afraid of me, are you?
Emily
I'm leaving you this message
Emily
In hopes you'll call me back
Emily
It was really cool to talk to you
Emily
Or maybe not, I guess
Emily
It was really cool to talk to your machine
Emily
Your phone number is musical
Emily
I have the keypad tones memorized
Emily
I made a jigsaw puzzle of your face
Emily
I play it every day
Emily
I never get tired of saying your name
Emily
I made you a Mii, found a person your weight
Emily
I have them play you on WiiFit
Emily
But they don't smile the same way
Emily
They don't hate Agility Test the same way
Emily
Your carbon footprint is always on my mind
Emily
I voted you as 'would rather sleep with'
Emily
I visit your facebook daily, like it changes
Emily
You touched a pencil once
Emily
I added it to my shrine
Emily
I hope you call me back, darling
Emily
So that I can hear your wonder
Emily
I'll see you at school tomorrow, I guess
Emily
^^^NONE OF THAT IS TRUE (to me) ^^^
Please pick up your phone
Emily
I want to give you a message
Emily
I want to say hello
Emily
I want to hear your voice
Emily
I know you're just ignoring it
Emily
I see you, on the sidewalk
Emily
Three-quarters through a conversation
Emily
I watched you, in your house
Emily
I hear you, in your head
Emily
I can see you, from my perch
Emily
You're not afraid of me, are you?
Emily
I'm leaving you this message
Emily
In hopes you'll call me back
Emily
It was really cool to talk to you
Emily
Or maybe not, I guess
Emily
It was really cool to talk to your machine
Emily
Your phone number is musical
Emily
I have the keypad tones memorized
Emily
I made a jigsaw puzzle of your face
Emily
I play it every day
Emily
I never get tired of saying your name
Emily
I made you a Mii, found a person your weight
Emily
I have them play you on WiiFit
Emily
But they don't smile the same way
Emily
They don't hate Agility Test the same way
Emily
Your carbon footprint is always on my mind
Emily
I voted you as 'would rather sleep with'
Emily
I visit your facebook daily, like it changes
Emily
You touched a pencil once
Emily
I added it to my shrine
Emily
I hope you call me back, darling
Emily
So that I can hear your wonder
Emily
I'll see you at school tomorrow, I guess
Emily
^^^NONE OF THAT IS TRUE (to me) ^^^
27.3.09
Thursday, March 26, 2009
I had a spot on my lip that I couldn’t feel
Because I had won the struggle before
It wasn’t good or bad – it just felt bizarre
And maybe a little bit sore.
I have a spot in my chest that never feels whole
Because I have lost the struggle each day
It’s empty and painful – it just feels like nothing
And it has yet to go away.
Because I had won the struggle before
It wasn’t good or bad – it just felt bizarre
And maybe a little bit sore.
I have a spot in my chest that never feels whole
Because I have lost the struggle each day
It’s empty and painful – it just feels like nothing
And it has yet to go away.
25.3.09
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
When it says you’re online I’ve learned not to believe it
Because I know that that smiley face isn’t the truth
And when messenger bolds your name and your presence
I try to hold back my need to message you
When you say that you’re fine I’ve learned not to believe it
Because I know that your grinning mouth isn’t a saint
And when time and persistence convince it to fade
I try to hold back my need to relate
When you say that you love me I’ve learned not to believe it
Because I know that your warm embrace isn’t ignorant
And when hugs are in ending, as often they do
I try to hold back my need to dwell on it
When you say that you need me I’ve learned not to believe it
Because I know that your weakness right now will soon fade
And when your use of me dwindles, since it always does
I try to hold back my need to degrade
When you say that you’re with me I’ve learned not to believe it
But I can’t convince myself on that subject, it seems
And when you’re truly not with me I really can’t stand it
I try to decide what everything means
Because I know that that smiley face isn’t the truth
And when messenger bolds your name and your presence
I try to hold back my need to message you
When you say that you’re fine I’ve learned not to believe it
Because I know that your grinning mouth isn’t a saint
And when time and persistence convince it to fade
I try to hold back my need to relate
When you say that you love me I’ve learned not to believe it
Because I know that your warm embrace isn’t ignorant
And when hugs are in ending, as often they do
I try to hold back my need to dwell on it
When you say that you need me I’ve learned not to believe it
Because I know that your weakness right now will soon fade
And when your use of me dwindles, since it always does
I try to hold back my need to degrade
When you say that you’re with me I’ve learned not to believe it
But I can’t convince myself on that subject, it seems
And when you’re truly not with me I really can’t stand it
I try to decide what everything means
24.3.09
Monday, March 23, 2009
Never has the dawn been painted so bleakly
Nor the nighttime been such a soft shade
Without being a cynic there’s no way to put it
As each hour passes the colors slowly fade
Not once has each morning been such a chore
Nor each evening held nothing but woe
It seems that with age something deeper is snapped
And each moment I encounter a new kind of foe
Never before has each second ticked by so slowly
And days at a time pass, unnoticed, unseen
The constant thrum of headache is never so musical
Whether or not you can discern the dream
Surprisingly now I can feel myself smile
Searching, then, for days to discover the source
Time creates its questions, and the simplest answer
Is that I should be an actress, of course
Nor the nighttime been such a soft shade
Without being a cynic there’s no way to put it
As each hour passes the colors slowly fade
Not once has each morning been such a chore
Nor each evening held nothing but woe
It seems that with age something deeper is snapped
And each moment I encounter a new kind of foe
Never before has each second ticked by so slowly
And days at a time pass, unnoticed, unseen
The constant thrum of headache is never so musical
Whether or not you can discern the dream
Surprisingly now I can feel myself smile
Searching, then, for days to discover the source
Time creates its questions, and the simplest answer
Is that I should be an actress, of course
23.3.09
Sunday, March 22, 2009
You don’t know that I know but I know that you know
About the day when the world will stop turning
You think it’s a secret, but you’ve been exposed
To a myriad of mourning and musical mishap
And I’ve heard, oh I’ve heard, of how it will snap back
I’ve watched you, you see, to a stalker-esque degree
And I know that your eyes widened when you last saw it
I know that you want it, I know that you brought it
But I know that you’re really afraid.
You can’t see that I see but I see what you see
And it doesn’t scare me one bit.
It must be nice to have the hope of higher hand-holding
But I know that you’re frightened, stiff with misunderstanding
I see what you’re brewing, what you’re reprimanding
I don’t forget easily, even though you demand it
And you aren’t making me give in like that
I’m stronger than that but I’m really much weaker
But you don’t know what makes me tick anymore
And as long as you can’t settle the score
Then it doesn’t much matter to me.
You haven’t heard that I’ve heard but I’ve heard what you heard
And I realize it’s hard to believe that it’s true
A mistake is much broader when fueled by you
But you can’t orchestrate this charade for an ever
Nothing is without strings, on yourself you have tethered
This weight; I can sense that you’re going to break
Even though right now you think that I’m stupid
You haven’t considered the past
Trends aren’t for nothing, and nothing is sacred
When thrust onto the battle field of chaos and upbringing
My throat is on fire, my ears loudly ringing
But nothing is holy when ripped down the center
And you won’t realize that for now.
About the day when the world will stop turning
You think it’s a secret, but you’ve been exposed
To a myriad of mourning and musical mishap
And I’ve heard, oh I’ve heard, of how it will snap back
I’ve watched you, you see, to a stalker-esque degree
And I know that your eyes widened when you last saw it
I know that you want it, I know that you brought it
But I know that you’re really afraid.
You can’t see that I see but I see what you see
And it doesn’t scare me one bit.
It must be nice to have the hope of higher hand-holding
But I know that you’re frightened, stiff with misunderstanding
I see what you’re brewing, what you’re reprimanding
I don’t forget easily, even though you demand it
And you aren’t making me give in like that
I’m stronger than that but I’m really much weaker
But you don’t know what makes me tick anymore
And as long as you can’t settle the score
Then it doesn’t much matter to me.
You haven’t heard that I’ve heard but I’ve heard what you heard
And I realize it’s hard to believe that it’s true
A mistake is much broader when fueled by you
But you can’t orchestrate this charade for an ever
Nothing is without strings, on yourself you have tethered
This weight; I can sense that you’re going to break
Even though right now you think that I’m stupid
You haven’t considered the past
Trends aren’t for nothing, and nothing is sacred
When thrust onto the battle field of chaos and upbringing
My throat is on fire, my ears loudly ringing
But nothing is holy when ripped down the center
And you won’t realize that for now.
22.3.09
A Post in Passing
This wasn't written on a day
Or in a place
But in a way
That I could think aloud, or say
I accidentally forgot updates
For seven days?
For seven days
I'm sorry, all
But happy to say
Spring Break is for play
And I used it that way.
Or in a place
But in a way
That I could think aloud, or say
I accidentally forgot updates
For seven days?
For seven days
I'm sorry, all
But happy to say
Spring Break is for play
And I used it that way.
15.3.09
Saturday, March 14, 2009
In an instant, automatically, I find
Myself in fear of my own actions; I
Sacrificed myself, but accidentally I
Opened new doors for myself, completely
Sabotaging my old efforts, ripping apart all of the
Once hopeful expectations, the faith in the future
Ruining the loveliness I thought had finally come
Recklessly shattering all of the peace that
Yesterday, today, tomorrow, nothing else remains.
Myself in fear of my own actions; I
Sacrificed myself, but accidentally I
Opened new doors for myself, completely
Sabotaging my old efforts, ripping apart all of the
Once hopeful expectations, the faith in the future
Ruining the loveliness I thought had finally come
Recklessly shattering all of the peace that
Yesterday, today, tomorrow, nothing else remains.
13.3.09
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Maybe it’s that time
That time of change, of recompense
That time where I don’t sit at home
That time that I don’t feel alone
Maybe it’s that time, that wondrous moment
Hopefully to last more than a day
That time that I don’t eat until I’m full
That time where everything seems okay
Maybe it’s that time, I plead
That time that I’ve been long awaiting
Where when I force myself at home
I have two hopes to visit me, lovely
And long,
We get along,
I hope I can make myself blossom again.
That time of change, of recompense
That time where I don’t sit at home
That time that I don’t feel alone
Maybe it’s that time, that wondrous moment
Hopefully to last more than a day
That time that I don’t eat until I’m full
That time where everything seems okay
Maybe it’s that time, I plead
That time that I’ve been long awaiting
Where when I force myself at home
I have two hopes to visit me, lovely
And long,
We get along,
I hope I can make myself blossom again.
12.3.09
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
We awkwardly didn’t look
Carefully avoiding eye-to-eye
Like children, young children, children too shy
To even make contact visually – you and me
We were afraid to talk, to seem
Like one of us wanted to confront the other
Your intentions unclear, but mine only pure
A simple hello would suffice
We awkwardly didn’t look
As if we were shaking our heads side to side,
Carefully avoiding eye-to-eye
As though it would lead to an embrace
We awkwardly didn’t look
So I turned to my forever-ghost
And we spoke in such a way
That you left…
I was too scared, you didn’t care
Or maybe you were scared too;
I’ll never know, and it just goes to show
That I will probably never know you.
I’m sorry.
Carefully avoiding eye-to-eye
Like children, young children, children too shy
To even make contact visually – you and me
We were afraid to talk, to seem
Like one of us wanted to confront the other
Your intentions unclear, but mine only pure
A simple hello would suffice
We awkwardly didn’t look
As if we were shaking our heads side to side,
Carefully avoiding eye-to-eye
As though it would lead to an embrace
We awkwardly didn’t look
So I turned to my forever-ghost
And we spoke in such a way
That you left…
I was too scared, you didn’t care
Or maybe you were scared too;
I’ll never know, and it just goes to show
That I will probably never know you.
I’m sorry.
10.3.09
Monday, March 9, 2009
Little things stick in my brain like cinnamon in Vaseline
I coalesce my every moment, sucking my own memories
Every day is remembered in image, every moment narrated in rhyme
I look to my left to recollect a refuge; I look to my right to recollect the time
In front is a crater, in back is a smile
But I can’t walk backwards – I was there for a while
I abused my own presence and I’m not the same
It doesn’t matter, we walk forward anyway
I was told by a fake rose in a slim-jim jar
That, surely, table salt can’t be very far
Keep your head up and don’t forget your name
A paper flower is still a flower, and it burns just the same
It’s not that I’m afraid to open my eyes
It’s that I fear what I might say to some
And I worry, fervently, to ruin your lives
By the words that my arsenal uses as guns
I love pictures, but they make me sad
I love to be good, but I love to be bad
I love your face, and I love your hair
I love how you don’t know me, I love how you don’t care
You don’t notice me. You’re so damn busy
Flipping that pencil over your fingers in that way I can’t do,
Reminding me just how out of reach you are,
So that I try every day to learn how to flip my pencil, too
As if, when I do, you’ll give me a certificate of achievement.
What am I expecting? An unusual message online
Will never be the true cure, and you’re too quiet for that anyhow.
Please don’t stalk my mind with your dark hair and your tired eyes.
I know it’s on accident,
But you don’t understand
How far, every first hour,
You make my hopes rise.
And every time you pass up your paper in fourth hour
I examine your name, curiously
Like some kind of addict
Hooked on the idea of something they’ve never tried.
Little things stick in my brain like cinnamon in Vaseline
I coalesce my every moment, nourishing my hopes and dreams
I wish that I could focus more, and I wish that you would notice me
I’m a whisper during the last sunset, casting shadows in a sea.
I coalesce my every moment, sucking my own memories
Every day is remembered in image, every moment narrated in rhyme
I look to my left to recollect a refuge; I look to my right to recollect the time
In front is a crater, in back is a smile
But I can’t walk backwards – I was there for a while
I abused my own presence and I’m not the same
It doesn’t matter, we walk forward anyway
I was told by a fake rose in a slim-jim jar
That, surely, table salt can’t be very far
Keep your head up and don’t forget your name
A paper flower is still a flower, and it burns just the same
It’s not that I’m afraid to open my eyes
It’s that I fear what I might say to some
And I worry, fervently, to ruin your lives
By the words that my arsenal uses as guns
I love pictures, but they make me sad
I love to be good, but I love to be bad
I love your face, and I love your hair
I love how you don’t know me, I love how you don’t care
You don’t notice me. You’re so damn busy
Flipping that pencil over your fingers in that way I can’t do,
Reminding me just how out of reach you are,
So that I try every day to learn how to flip my pencil, too
As if, when I do, you’ll give me a certificate of achievement.
What am I expecting? An unusual message online
Will never be the true cure, and you’re too quiet for that anyhow.
Please don’t stalk my mind with your dark hair and your tired eyes.
I know it’s on accident,
But you don’t understand
How far, every first hour,
You make my hopes rise.
And every time you pass up your paper in fourth hour
I examine your name, curiously
Like some kind of addict
Hooked on the idea of something they’ve never tried.
Little things stick in my brain like cinnamon in Vaseline
I coalesce my every moment, nourishing my hopes and dreams
I wish that I could focus more, and I wish that you would notice me
I’m a whisper during the last sunset, casting shadows in a sea.
9.3.09
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Haha, I forgot to update my journal
Haha, I forgot yesterday and before
Haha, you won’t see this until tomorrow
Haha, I hope that you’re waiting for more
Haha, forgot to open my document
Haha, didn’t type that password you can’t spell
Haha, you can’t get mad at me for forgetting
Haha, you can’t notice that my face fell
Haha, you can’t tell me I can’t rhyme my poems
Haha, you can’t tell me I have to make nice
Haha, you can’t make me awkward with friendships
Haha, you can’t make me – but you can entice
Haha, I forgot yesterday and before
Haha, you won’t see this until tomorrow
Haha, I hope that you’re waiting for more
Haha, forgot to open my document
Haha, didn’t type that password you can’t spell
Haha, you can’t get mad at me for forgetting
Haha, you can’t notice that my face fell
Haha, you can’t tell me I can’t rhyme my poems
Haha, you can’t tell me I have to make nice
Haha, you can’t make me awkward with friendships
Haha, you can’t make me – but you can entice
7.3.09
Thursday, March 5, 2009
I need to do my laundry so that I can wear new pants.
The pants I’m wearing right now are tight and unforgiving
And I rather wish I could remove them but I find within each second
That, as time goes on, the chance of my removing them gets larger
Because as nighttime comes, on its way, I get to lay in bed
And when I get to lie in bed I get to take off these damn pants.
I need to work out more because my stomach is quite large.
The stomach that I have now is curvy on the sides so that
When I suck in you can’t quite tell that I am so uncomfortable
But then when I release myself the strain is far too much to bear
I can’t wait to take off these pants and let my stomach free
And when I get to lie in bed I get to take off these damn pants.
I need to eat less dinner so that I appear less full.
If I were to simply ingest half of what I do, or maybe more
It wouldn’t be so dramatic when I eat too much, so that I hurt
My stomach strains to hold what it can and I feel it hurting me
If only I could unleash my stomach and get my waistline to be free
And when I get to lie in bed I get to take off these damn pants.
The pants I’m wearing right now are tight and unforgiving
And I rather wish I could remove them but I find within each second
That, as time goes on, the chance of my removing them gets larger
Because as nighttime comes, on its way, I get to lay in bed
And when I get to lie in bed I get to take off these damn pants.
I need to work out more because my stomach is quite large.
The stomach that I have now is curvy on the sides so that
When I suck in you can’t quite tell that I am so uncomfortable
But then when I release myself the strain is far too much to bear
I can’t wait to take off these pants and let my stomach free
And when I get to lie in bed I get to take off these damn pants.
I need to eat less dinner so that I appear less full.
If I were to simply ingest half of what I do, or maybe more
It wouldn’t be so dramatic when I eat too much, so that I hurt
My stomach strains to hold what it can and I feel it hurting me
If only I could unleash my stomach and get my waistline to be free
And when I get to lie in bed I get to take off these damn pants.
5.3.09
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Sometimes I have to remind myself that
We live in a world where
Not everyone calls you back,
Not everyone has to be on time,
Not everyone has to say they’re sorry,
And not everything has to work out.
We live in a world where when the phone rings
It isn’t someone who wants to talk to you
And when people forgive
It doesn’t mean they forget
And that “better late than never”
Is more of a religion than a phrase.
Our atmosphere is full of hypocrites
And fake psychics
And seven billion blips of existence,
All melted together into continents with
Contents and
Condiments
And not everything is perfect.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that
We live in a world where
People care for children,
People can get along,
People can love strangers, unconditionally,
Simply for no reason at all.
We live in a world where a loved one
Has a voice only a few dial tones away
And when people get along
It doesn’t matter what color they are, sometimes,
And people can all have one group without worrying about looks
And when you wake up in the morning you can know that
Someone, someone in seven billion voices has to hear yours
And that if you were to disappear
Someone would notice that maybe you haven’t noticed,
And someone would cry that maybe you don’t know.
And maybe, just maybe that someone cares more than anyone else,
And when you find them it’ll work out.
Our oxygen is used by every person, every being
With two lungs or otherwise, produced by plants
To be used by our seven billion masses, who all are capable of
Higher moral understanding and lovely lively liberation
And maybe it’s not perfect but it hasn’t collapsed yet.
I think it’s time to celebrate.
We live in a world where
Not everyone calls you back,
Not everyone has to be on time,
Not everyone has to say they’re sorry,
And not everything has to work out.
We live in a world where when the phone rings
It isn’t someone who wants to talk to you
And when people forgive
It doesn’t mean they forget
And that “better late than never”
Is more of a religion than a phrase.
Our atmosphere is full of hypocrites
And fake psychics
And seven billion blips of existence,
All melted together into continents with
Contents and
Condiments
And not everything is perfect.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that
We live in a world where
People care for children,
People can get along,
People can love strangers, unconditionally,
Simply for no reason at all.
We live in a world where a loved one
Has a voice only a few dial tones away
And when people get along
It doesn’t matter what color they are, sometimes,
And people can all have one group without worrying about looks
And when you wake up in the morning you can know that
Someone, someone in seven billion voices has to hear yours
And that if you were to disappear
Someone would notice that maybe you haven’t noticed,
And someone would cry that maybe you don’t know.
And maybe, just maybe that someone cares more than anyone else,
And when you find them it’ll work out.
Our oxygen is used by every person, every being
With two lungs or otherwise, produced by plants
To be used by our seven billion masses, who all are capable of
Higher moral understanding and lovely lively liberation
And maybe it’s not perfect but it hasn’t collapsed yet.
I think it’s time to celebrate.
4.3.09
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
I hate it when you really want to be sad, or mad, or just upset, but you can’t.
Like, you wish you were frothing at the mouth,
Or at least able to maintain a somewhat angered glare,
But instead you find yourself laughing at stupid jokes
Only to recess into unhappiness later. It really drives me crazy
Because then you can’t say you were upset, you can’t say you wanted
To go home, or anything like that, because for a while you didn’t, you just kinda wanted to laugh a little
And pretend things are the same as they used to, or that they were always
Like this, like now.
And it’s really painful when you can’t discover just how to get your stupid, grinning point across.
It makes me angry, because it makes me look moody
When I’m laughing so hard for so long, and then I fall back into a daze, staring at the table, coldly
Telling it what’s what, but really only thinking
To myself. I wish I could be just angry, or just sad, or
At least just happy, but instead I bounce from mood to mood,
Unsure of where I’ll land next,
Uncertain of who my next victim will be.
I just hate it.
And I hate it when you feel so intensely on something that you can’t feel for anything else.
It makes me feel inhuman and I hate that too.
I hate a lot of things.
Like, you wish you were frothing at the mouth,
Or at least able to maintain a somewhat angered glare,
But instead you find yourself laughing at stupid jokes
Only to recess into unhappiness later. It really drives me crazy
Because then you can’t say you were upset, you can’t say you wanted
To go home, or anything like that, because for a while you didn’t, you just kinda wanted to laugh a little
And pretend things are the same as they used to, or that they were always
Like this, like now.
And it’s really painful when you can’t discover just how to get your stupid, grinning point across.
It makes me angry, because it makes me look moody
When I’m laughing so hard for so long, and then I fall back into a daze, staring at the table, coldly
Telling it what’s what, but really only thinking
To myself. I wish I could be just angry, or just sad, or
At least just happy, but instead I bounce from mood to mood,
Unsure of where I’ll land next,
Uncertain of who my next victim will be.
I just hate it.
And I hate it when you feel so intensely on something that you can’t feel for anything else.
It makes me feel inhuman and I hate that too.
I hate a lot of things.
3.3.09
Monday, March 2, 2009
It’s not so much that I mind them being happy, because I really don’t.
I mean, yes, he’s still hot. That’s always been a constant,
And he knows it, and she knows it too.
And it’s not really that upsetting if they care about each other, or anything
Like that.
But I guess it bothers me that they’re so open about it. It’s like they want to rub it in my face.
Which, I can see why he would, but not why she would.
And all of the contempt… I don’t think it’ll ever really go away
Like it’s addicted to my atmosphere, like I accidentally
Gathered it all around my ankles,
And I have to trudge through it every day. Every day a new person, a new problem.
I want to leave and it not be called running away, but that’s sort of impossible I guess.
Like Bear Grylls said himself – don’t pull on your foot to get it out of the mud, twist it out
And it’ll work much better.
Or I could stand in it and be like the pilot who the Grylls mentioned, standing there, unable to move,
Until he died there, and everyone had to listen to the whole ordeal.
I like the twisting best.
I mean, yes, he’s still hot. That’s always been a constant,
And he knows it, and she knows it too.
And it’s not really that upsetting if they care about each other, or anything
Like that.
But I guess it bothers me that they’re so open about it. It’s like they want to rub it in my face.
Which, I can see why he would, but not why she would.
And all of the contempt… I don’t think it’ll ever really go away
Like it’s addicted to my atmosphere, like I accidentally
Gathered it all around my ankles,
And I have to trudge through it every day. Every day a new person, a new problem.
I want to leave and it not be called running away, but that’s sort of impossible I guess.
Like Bear Grylls said himself – don’t pull on your foot to get it out of the mud, twist it out
And it’ll work much better.
Or I could stand in it and be like the pilot who the Grylls mentioned, standing there, unable to move,
Until he died there, and everyone had to listen to the whole ordeal.
I like the twisting best.
2.3.09
Sunday, March 1, 2009
I didn’t spend today alone.
But even in the twenty-three minutes I have
To myself, thinking, interested in my progress,
I startle myself again into something a little unnecessary.
I feel like I’m hanging onto everything I’ve got left.
I’ve beaten Totem Destroyer 2 one too many times,
And all their eyes are still staring at me from behind my laptop,
On my desk, like they want to say
“I told you so.”
But they can’t find their words
Because they aren’t alive.
I wish I could take them down but,
You know,
Appearances. Maybe I should rearrange them.
I get tired very early these days. Earlier and earlier.
I hope I didn’t forget any homework.
And even when I know that there isn’t a chance,
There isn’t even a slight chance,
I have to look. I have to. Because if I don’t look
The chance is slimmer
And they could be together again.
I know they are together again.
I just know it.
At least I did some laundry.
But even in the twenty-three minutes I have
To myself, thinking, interested in my progress,
I startle myself again into something a little unnecessary.
I feel like I’m hanging onto everything I’ve got left.
I’ve beaten Totem Destroyer 2 one too many times,
And all their eyes are still staring at me from behind my laptop,
On my desk, like they want to say
“I told you so.”
But they can’t find their words
Because they aren’t alive.
I wish I could take them down but,
You know,
Appearances. Maybe I should rearrange them.
I get tired very early these days. Earlier and earlier.
I hope I didn’t forget any homework.
And even when I know that there isn’t a chance,
There isn’t even a slight chance,
I have to look. I have to. Because if I don’t look
The chance is slimmer
And they could be together again.
I know they are together again.
I just know it.
At least I did some laundry.
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